It was bitter sweet when I realized this year would be (likely) my last year in school.
I’ve been blogging for years — since I was in middle school. My first blog posts were a re-enactment of my day between lockers and lunch rooms.
And pretty soon, those blog entries will be over.
That instagram is my last trip for “school supplies” for a long, long time. It’s weird to think about the girl behind the blog will finally be a “girl after college”.
It’s weird to think about. Who am I when I’m not a student? I’ve never had a chance to discover what that is. Who am I when I don’t have classmates, professors, and exams to study for? Who am I when I’m no longer a student — no more second chances or “I’ll do better next year”. No more chances to finally win that scholarship, get on that honor roll, or make a straight A report card.
No more “I’ll show them next year” chances to get back at all those who’ve rejected. Schools that rejected me, professors who told me to drop out, bad partnerships — all of those things won’t mean anything next year. It’s weird to look back on those rejections and see no way in the future to redeem them. It makes it more painful. Almost debilitating.
But then you think about life without the secret burden of having something to prove. Especially someone like me. Someone who’s always “hated” school and decided to go back for the chance of having the career of my dreams. And while I stayed in school, ever since undergrad, I was trying to simultaneously be the perfect student and the perfect blogger, entrepreneur, dancer, and nutrition geek. Juggling all these things and more at once because I’ve been too scared to go both feet in in any one thing. Because what if I fail? What if I just want it all?
I always had school to be the excuse for why I couldn’t go all out in some of the other things I loved. I always had school as an excuse to be “too busy” for anyone or anything. Even if I loved them.
What happens this time next year when for the first time, that’s no longer the excuse. I can’t hide behind being “a student”. No more discounts. No more sympathy “you’re broke” speeches or “we’re so proud of you, keep it up, kid” speeches.
It will just be me. Just. me.
I’ll be a registered dietitian (nutritionist) when I graduate and pass my RD exam. I guess I could start hiding behind that. But even then, I’ll be in control of exactly what that means for me. Is it weird that having that much control over my life is a little bit scary? But I can’t wait.
What about you? Have you ever gone through a transition in your life where you had to change your identity? A career change, becoming a parent, or maybe you’re in the process of becoming a woman ‘after college’ too? Let me know your story in the comments!
(photo credit: Irene Kim of http://sblog.contemptandthesublime.com/)